I'm so tired....

Physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time, if anything.
I just feel so empty, and I don't want to do anything.
Do you know I haven't read a book in months? I bought the new Land of Stories book when it came out, and I haven't even read it yet. The new Magnus Chase book is out too, so is the final book in The Lunar Chronicles...and I don't feel excited about them like I used to. I don't really care. And that's not like me, I love reading...or at least I thought I did.

My season at SeaWorld ended on the 8th, but my last day of work was the 4th. I wanted to stay, I liked everyone that I worked with (well, almost everyone) and had a lot of fun..but now no one even talks to me. I'm friends with most of them on FB but no one says anything to me, no one even likes any of my posts I make, not that I really post that much but..still.

I was supposed to go to Universal Studios with one of my coworkers on the 6th, since my SeaWorld tag would still be useable until the 8th, so I could get in free with her. I got up that morning to find a text from her saying she couldn't go, and that bummed me out, but I know things pop up and was okay with it (Had a nice day with Mom instead, bought a bunch of plushies...again)

Then last week she posted a ton of pictures from, yup, Universal. She went with a bunch of our other coworkers, and even though I wouldn't have been able to go then since my tag was up...it just hurt that she didn't even think to ask me. Am I that forgettable? I thought I had made friends, but no one bothers to talk to me at all. Why am I always left out of everything? Then again, I like being alone most of the time; when I would be done work and take a bus to the mall, I loved it. But then I'm lonely too. I don't even know what I want. Am I a Loner or just Lonely?

I have an interview on Monday at Wonderworks, and I'm trying very very hard to be optimistic about it, but my nature is naturally pessimistic, so I honestly have very little hope I'll get hired. I need another job badly, if not for the money then to give me a reason to get out of bed everyday. As of right now, I really don't have one.

My art's failing again, my SAI trial's up and I haven't done anything digitally since, I just tried a different freeware program today but I just can't do anything right. I wanted to do a picture of my 'Lightning' character, since today..er..yesterday was the 1 Year Anniversary of the day I created her, but I couldn't seem to draw anything that looked anywhere decent.

I want to draw, I want to create so bad, but I can't seem to get past this crippling thought that I just can't do it. My sister is getting better at drawing, and I hate her so much for it. She's getting better because she has me telling her what she's doing wrong, and whether she knows it or not she's listening to me and adjusting her drawing ability. She's going to be able to do the thing I want to do and then she's not even going to do it, because that's not her dream. I lost too much time when I was younger and confident in my art abilities. I used to draw the absolute shittiest dragons and thought they were so fucking awesome, because no one told me otherwise. I kept drawing like that and never improved, which hurt me in the long run.

I can't afford to go to an art school of any kind, and I can't seem to get anything out of the millions of tutorials on the internet because I'm apparently an idiot. I'm going to be stuck being unhappy forever. I'm only happy when I'm buying yet another stuffed animal to add to the obscene amount of plush that I already have that I don't need. I don't even know WHY I keep buying them..they aren't doing me any good.

I don't even know what else to say right now...